The Turning of the Page
We are 41 days into 2023. The calendar paged turned. Still, a war continues; a devastating earthquake has tragically taken thousands of lives; we’ve listened to our ‘state of the union’; hearts are breaking; people are struggling, and our world keeps turning. We need HOPE. Where to turn? My heart knows only ONE place it can and will definitely find hope and that is in the Father’s eternal love. Sounds simple, but sometimes simple is where we are least likely to look. It has been months since I’ve written on our blog. I’ve thought often about writing but just didn’t have the energy or vision. 2022 turned out to be one of the most difficult and emotionally trying years of my life. As I’ve turned the page into a new year, I realized (obviously) that God our Father isn’t bound by time or a calendar. Something a friend wrote recently spoke directly to ‘where I was at’…
“As much as we’d like, a new year doesn’t mean a complete reset. A new calendar doesn’t necessarily mean all the things that were challenging and heavy about 2022 have disappeared. Maybe you feel the tension of both the old and the new year.”
I’m going to revisit 2022 in this blog posting, but I’ll begin by saying that previous posts have centered on our testimonies of the Father’s heart of love, mercy, forgiveness, and patience towards us. Stories of lives transformed in eastern, central Europe, and Russia. That remains our passion. God, however, allows seasons in our lives that don’t always follow the norm or what we necessarily thought we would be doing in any given season. His Father’s heart still reaches out to us. There is never a season in our lives that HE doesn’t show up, as Father—if we trust in Him.
My ‘Fatherheart story’ hits closer to home, and He still remains incredibly FAITHFUL. At the beginning of 2022, I was impressed with the name of God ‘Immanuel’ which means ‘God with us.” I took that on as my ‘word for the year’, knowing I would probably find myself in scenarios where I would NEED to believe more than ever, that God was with me. And yes, I did, and He was.
Four and a half years ago, we took my 90-year-old mother in to live with us. She needed oversight and people around her to provide a quality of life and enjoy her remaining years. After much discussion with my older brother and family, we moved Mom down from her home of 50+ years. We have never regretted that decision once. She loves seeing the grandchildren that live near, and the family gatherings we hold. We go for drives, eat at a restaurant she likes, and go for very short walks. In the beginning, it was rather an ‘adventure’. She met many of our friends and enjoyed our times of hospitality having friends over for dinner, BBQs, and baby and wedding showers.
Then, a year and a half into this, Covid hit. I am forever grateful that between my brother, my husband, and I, we got Mom moved down here before that happened. The Father was watching out for one of His own. We have been able to protect her and keep her healthy. Even when Jim and I came down with Covid, she was safe and not affected. However, our lives were restricted as I sought to keep her safe. We’ve managed to ward off even a cold or flu during these years.
And then….2022. While playing Dominos one evening in February and Jim was away on a mission trip, Mom passed out, and thus began our year of ‘episodes’. Thankfully, our son is a paramedic and was able to walk me through what to do; as well our oldest son lives a mile down the road and is always here when I need him. A rather scary ER visit ended with the realization that these types of passing out scenarios will most likely continue due to her age and heart issues, ‑‑ I was given advice by our wonderful family doctor, etc. to know what to do when they occur. There have been a few of these episodes throughout 2022 and each time, I’m deeply grateful for my family and God, Immanuel, who has remained by my side.
And then, the war hit Ukraine. I know for many, it’s just a news story. For us, it was a frightening and emotionally-trying time. We have worked in this part of the world in missions for years. We have many friends in Ukraine and Russia. Our ministry team has been directly involved in raising funds to help with food, medicines, clothing, and the refugee crisis that emerged. We continue to pray and seek God as to how to rebuild a nation that is still in the midst of war. Jim has been able to make several trips. It remains emotionally difficult with each passing week as we hear stories of what Ukrainians are still encountering with the bombing and power outages which have not let up. Please continue to pray as we come near the one-year mark of this war, where there is no end in sight. In this dark time of Ukraine’s history, God, their Father, continues to show up and stories of the miraculous find their way to our ears.
“Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face forevermore! Remember His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth.”
In early July, Mom was again experiencing much sleepiness and disorientation. In the middle of this, we had a fire break out about 2 miles from our home (wildfire season) and because we were in the ‘danger zone’ had to evacuate. As it happened, Jim was away on another mission trip. Once again, God was by my side as our son and his wife, helped pack Mom up (who didn’t feel well and had just fallen asleep for a nap) and we moved to our son’s home until it was safe to return. A week later, Mom had another health scare which sent her to the ER. It was not a passing out episode but something different. However, after some tests and two nights in the hospital, she came home and I was armed with instructions on what to do to make her life comfortable. Again, it is an aging issue and could be handled from the comfort of her home.
Since July, we’ve noticed a pattern emerging. Dementia progressed. There are days of confusion. Her walks are one-loop in our driveway (they were three when she first moved here) and only in warm weather. Her concentration levels are low when we play games with her. She manages crossword and word search puzzles, along with limited television. She sleeps for hours and hours and if I don’t intentionally wake her, she can sleep for 2 days. We are grateful that she can still manage to get up to the bathroom in the night by herself and eat. Between our audio monitor and alarm system, she is covered. But there is a pattern nearly every month, almost to the day, there is an episode of concern, that I deal with. To clarify, Mom is not suffering, she is just aging significantly and the doctors assure me this behavior is totally normal for her age. She will turn 95 in July. One of the most difficult things I’m experiencing is watching how old age affects our bodies and minds. It is not pretty. It is scary. The comfort that comes from knowing my mother confessed years ago her faith in God and His Son, Jesus, brings me peace. We pray together every day and talk about family, near and far, and their love for her. We reminisce about her childhood, which surprisingly she remembers very well. It’s what she did five minutes ago that she (and I) struggle with.
I will be honest when I say, in bringing my beloved mother to live with us, I was excited (and again not a moment of regret) but I had no idea what her last year(s) would look like. The stress, the moments of panic when she has an ‘episode’, every morning going into her bedroom just to see if she is still breathing. In 2019, I was able to get away for a few hours to a women’s one-day retreat at our church. One of the activities we did was write on a piece of paper ‘what does God’s love sound like to you?’ The immediate thought that came to my mind was….my mother breathing. Immanuel, right beside me.
In October, we had a stressful week with Mom and really did not think she would live out the week. Jim had a trip planned and we waited to see how Mom would hold up. She rallied but from day to day she can change. We felt a peace that he should continue the trip planned and I had many friends who were here to help, should I need it. Jim did a one-way ticket to each of the three places he had to go, just in case, at a moment’s notice, he had to return home. Immanuel, God was with me each day.
We live a day-to-day season with my mom. We never know what to expect. Will she be confused or happy and focused? Will she get out of bed, or do I let her sleep? I carry responsibilities I never imagined I would. Bathing, cleaning up, standing right next to her to remind her to take her meds—if I don’t do it or press her lovingly and gently, she will forget to do basic things like take her meds, eat, or even get up. Then, there are days, she seems close to her old self….those are really nice days.
I knew when we entered this season of ‘mom-care’ I would not travel overseas with Jim on the mission trips. It is something we decided early on. I have seen the Father’s faithfulness in all of it. I’ve had peace I am right where I am supposed to be. And through it all, I have learned countless lessons. I am way more patient with the elderly, believe me! I am also on a path that many of my baby-boomer friends are walking. I know several friends, in our mission and beyond, who have temporarily, for a season, retreated and are currently caring for an elderly parent. I have a prayer list and pray for each friend regularly as they care and serve. One such dear friend is in Ukraine and caring for her mother in the midst of this war. When I’m feeling overwhelmed and this is just too hard, I am reminded of her and how much less difficult this is for me. And I cherish each day, especially the days when I get Mom laughing and smiling….those are priceless!
“Through the Lord’s mercies, we are not consumed, because His compassion fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
I wanted to share my season with you as I have been absent from blogging. We are not ones to share our life all over social media, but I felt the last few days to tell this story we are currently in the middle of. It is real life and it is painful and hard. There are good days and not-so-good days. The calendar page turning from 2022 to 2023 didn’t change anything for me. But I am keenly aware of Immanuel and how this word and name will continue to be a focus in my life. People have a tendency to say, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” I don’t see that in Scripture. He usually does give us more than we can handle. That way, He shows up; He provides; He gives grace; He loves and faithfully gives us everything we need in each season, as we trust in Him. There are days I have a peace and strength I cannot explain, except that it comes from Him. I see His hand in this season of our lives and I am eternally grateful for Him being Immanuel each day.
In closing, I intentionally focus on gratefulness and thank family and friends who daily and weekly are there for us. My husband, my children, my brother and his wife, extended family, and the many friends in our church who have been there—praying, showing up, telephone calls, visits, and offers of relieving me for a time so I can get refreshed in mind, body, and spirit. As our season progresses into another year, I remain so very THANKFUL for each one of you.
Though 2022 was difficult emotionally, there were some AMAZING HIGHLIGHTS which brought us SO MUCH JOY!! In the midst of the Ukraine war, we are seeing hundreds come to the Lord and have faith in God. As well, recently many shipments of Bibles in Ukrainian and Russian are being distributed throughout the nation. We praise God for His goodness in such a difficult time! Other exciting events, personally, our youngest son got married in March to the amazing Chandler and they lived in our basement apartment for 8 months—a blessing to have a paramedic live with you! Christmastime gave us a new (second) grandson, Sydney Alex, born December 29th to our daughter and her husband. More g’parenting cuddles! And the new year began with the announcement of our oldest daughter becoming engaged! We have a wedding coming up in 2023! We are grateful for the joys of the year and so thankful Mom still gets to be a part of these blessings in our family.
Lengthy blog post coming to an end. I hope to write more and we will see what these months hold. Our Father in heaven still watches out for each of us and remains by our side. Love and prayers to all who found 2022 to be difficult and challenging and as you move forward into 2023, grab hold of this truth and blessing -- may His presence and peace be your guide in every area of your life and family – IMMANUEL WITH YOU.
“May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE...AS YOU TRUST IN HIM so that you may OVERFLOW WITH HOPE, by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
